Having a Good time in Salamanca

These are some pictures of my first weeks here.

We don't have here the academical spirit that Portugal have (Coimbra, more precisely), but we have a little sample of it, and that was enough for us to fit in and to make friends.

I'm loving this city.

Hope you're all happy too. At least, trying to be. Love, Mia (thay call me this in here! It's cute)

A Brand New Life

I'm so sick of this place
I feel I will suffucate
And I just want to leave

There's nothing left for me
I need a new vew to see
So why don't I wanna leave

Time goes by
Like an unstopable train
And soon I'll say goodbye

This is what I've been waiting for, for a while
And this place is where I'm always coming back to
When my heart need love
I'm always coming right back home

It's like everyone has changed
And I'm stuck in good old days
Sometimes it's so damn hard to breath

So finally I'm gonna go
This was always meant to be
There's a brand new place for me

So, hello you all. I'm alive. Actually, I'm living a brand new stage of my life. 

Everything's changed. Everything.

I'm in Salamanca, in Med school. I didn't make it in Portugal, but whatever, I'm gonna be a doctor anyway. And I'm near home so I get to go there all the weekens I want.

I'm happy. The dark is gone for now. I'm breathing and living. I have new friends. I'm in a different country. 

I met some really nice spanish people and I'm moving forward. I guess I have the best of both worlds. Coutries, in this case. I have my best friends ever and my family and my home and my beach and my sunset there and I have the new and the unknow and the "six-years-path" in front of me here. I'll live. I'm positive about my new life. Finally, I trully believe there's a place where I belong and where I'm given the chance to be happy.

This is Joana. A new friend of mine. We think exactly alike. 

Not bad at all this thing of meeting new people

I'm such a disaster

Onda came back home a week and a half after she got sick. She's fine now. It was just a scary moment, but now she's healed. She has been running around and destroying things around to my mom...

Now, I really am a disaster. I don't know why I feel this, but that's what it is. A disaster. My life is messy and my future is painful and my past is even worse to think about, and the present hurts. 

Sometimes I just feel like staying in bed for years. Asleep. Or not exist at all. But that's stupid to think of. 

If I could at least not be aware that I exist for a while... For a little while, that would be great. Maybe I could heal myself. Maybe if I stopped thinking about everything... 

Why do I have to think about everything so deeply? Why am I always thinking about things? About people, making stories about who walks by, about myself and those people, about myself and people I don't know, trying hard to figure out every single small detail about people, nature, thoughts... It is SO exhausting. 

But I just can't stop doing it. My mind never sleeps. 

Even when I'm studying. God, I have to stop. I have to focus.

Because I know I'm gonna fail. People keep telling me I won't, but I know myself too well. I just know. Deep inside. I can't do anything right until the end. I never succeed in anything that really matters. I'm not gonna make it. And that's not okay. Because there is no Plan B. And it's not because I don't think about a backup plan, because I do. I just don't like any. I don't want any other plan.

Lately, I only feel like staying home, in my bedroom, studying. No people, no outside, no coffees, no nothing. Just me, myself, my room, and maths/biology/chemistry. 

And I guess that's how it's going to be until June 25. It's less than a month. And then, I have summer vacations. But honestly, I don't know if I'm gonna be happier by that time.

Hope so. Because if I am, it means that I think I'm going to succeed. And if I think so, that means I believe. And believing is something that I haven't seen around recently. 

Onda - wave, in english

I don't think I ever wrote about this, but in June, my mom received, as a gift, a little dog just like Lala, who had died six months before. I got so angry because I didn't want another dog in my house, replacing Lala just like that! And they looked exactly alike!

I tried so hard not to get attached with her, but she was so lovely and always kept on playing with me, and coming to me, so it was stronger than me, and I started loving her. I called her Wave because I live near the beach, and as you know, I love the ocean. And so does she.

We spent long moments at the beach, and I could see how much it meant to her.

She's a Golden retriever and she's beautiful, polite, kind and a nice company. I have no idea of what it had been my life without her since I came back home from Lisbon. I mean, I have no one. I feel completely lonely and empty. But she's there for me. We spend time together, at the beach, walking at the seaside... she's my reason to go out.

But the last time she went out to the beach with my dad, she ate a dead seagull. And she got sick. The doctor said she was poisoned and that she could die. She has been at the vet since last week, and only yesterday she tried to walk, and she gave two steps. Nothing else. She has no strength. I really hope she gets better, or I'm not sure I'll survive the rest of the year.

(she was sleeping very deeply on this pic)

Live like JAY

"Don't take anything for granted, because one minute it can be there and the next minute it can't, and it happens so quick," he said. "When the negative stuff comes around, just let it go. It all leads to the positive as long as you keep a positive attitude. Enjoy everything you get. One of the most important things in life is appreciating it because we only get to do this once and it's not for a long time"

And I cry. And I cry. Good people always die. Bad people stay around.

I don't have a fucking "wave" in my life. I can't see myself anywhere in the future. I don't feel like "I'm here for some purpose", like he did. And how sad is that?

I Hate People

I'm healing, but I feel ok, the most of the time.

And I love my blanket. I can always cuddle for all the eternity, right?

Thinking of a very special friend

I have a very special friend, called Marta, who's in love with pandas. And I'm in love with pandas now, as well. I saw this pic on tumblr and It just reminded me of her. 

I miss her.

Tear drops everywhere

Is this what growing up is about? I mean, losing people? Learning that we are going to end up alone if we try to make every single person around us feel good?

Because, by doing something good to someone, you always hurt another person... It shouldn't be like that. But it seems like everyone is living inside this HUGE freaking bubble of drama and egocentrism that being nice to your friends and in peace with every single person no longer matter.

But it matters to me. It always does. And even when I think I have to stop being a fool, always trying to put everything in the place, everybody in harmony, fixing everything, I end up doing it anyway and forgetting that I'm the one who needs to be fixed. Because I can't take this anymore.

I can't take fake people. Fake FRIENDS, for God's sake. I always give my best to everyone and try to call people's attention to how feeling rejected feels like, and I'm the one who ends up aside and gossiped because of things I didn't do or say.

It's just so unfair... I feel completely alone. And surrounded by lies and wickedness. Would it be better to everyone if I just stopped existing?

  

Lisbon - Break from my busy life

I've been working a lot for school final exams, so I haven't really went out or hang out with friends. But last Thursday I went to Lisbon because my friend Marta invited me to her birthday dinner and it felt like a light in the dark. I had so much fun! It was not much time, but I came home much more relaxed and feeling a lot like going back to Lisbon next year (hopefully in med school).

So, here it is. Hope you all are bright and happy. I'm still working on that part, but I'm much better.
Love, Maria