Onda came back home a week and a half after she got sick. She's fine now. It was just a scary moment, but now she's healed. She has been running around and destroying things around to my mom...
Now, I really am a disaster. I don't know why I feel this, but that's what it is. A disaster. My life is messy and my future is painful and my past is even worse to think about, and the present hurts.
Sometimes I just feel like staying in bed for years. Asleep. Or not exist at all. But that's stupid to think of.
If I could at least not be aware that I exist for a while... For a little while, that would be great. Maybe I could heal myself. Maybe if I stopped thinking about everything...
Why do I have to think about everything so deeply? Why am I always thinking about things? About people, making stories about who walks by, about myself and those people, about myself and people I don't know, trying hard to figure out every single small detail about people, nature, thoughts... It is SO exhausting.
But I just can't stop doing it. My mind never sleeps.
Even when I'm studying. God, I have to stop. I have to focus.
Because I know I'm gonna fail. People keep telling me I won't, but I know myself too well. I just know. Deep inside. I can't do anything right until the end. I never succeed in anything that really matters. I'm not gonna make it. And that's not okay. Because there is no Plan B. And it's not because I don't think about a backup plan, because I do. I just don't like any. I don't want any other plan.
Lately, I only feel like staying home, in my bedroom, studying. No people, no outside, no coffees, no nothing. Just me, myself, my room, and maths/biology/chemistry.
And I guess that's how it's going to be until June 25. It's less than a month. And then, I have summer vacations. But honestly, I don't know if I'm gonna be happier by that time.
Hope so. Because if I am, it means that I think I'm going to succeed. And if I think so, that means I believe. And believing is something that I haven't seen around recently.
