The Perks of being a Wallflower

"So, if this ends up to be the last letter, I want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started High School and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Cause I know there are people who say all  this things don’t happen. There are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17, I know this will all be stories some day and that our pictures will become old photographs, we’ll all become somebody’s mom and dad. But right now, this moments are not stories. This is happening. I’m here and I’m looking at her, and she is so beautiful.

I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. You stand up and see the light on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder, and you’re listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

Loved it

Back To Lisbon

So, last week I went back to Lisbon just to visit my friends, to lighten up a little, to get out of here and breath new air, if you know what I mean.

I stayed there for three days, and they were great! Just what I needed. It cheered me up.

(I broke something in Marta's bed. And this is me, trying to fix it. I just had now idea how)

(At starbuks)

(At baixa Chiado)

And I came back on Wednesday. I started studying Biology yesterday. And today, I wanted to have started with chemistry. But I suddenly got extremely sick because of my period and I really though I was going to die, so I just lay down in my bed and took a nap. An then, saw a movie ("The vow" it was beautiful. I want someone like that :c )

Anyway, I'm getting better. About that subject. I mean, I cried yesterday night. But that's ok, because I haven't cried for a while, so I guess that's a progress. It gets worse at night, when It's only me, my thoughts and the dark of the room. The pain suddenly appears and the memories. But it hasn't happen with that much intensity, like it used to. So, as Joana Margarida said once, it really does get better: time heals everything. 

I just don't want to forget it all, I guess. That would make something stupid of what I'm feeling right now, like it has been a waste of time.

BUT, it's Christmas time! And I love Christmas. So, lets just be happy and wish all the best to each other and forget what makes us miserable.

Love you all!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Hello December

I know it's 5th of December and I'm acting like the month itself had just arrived, but the thing is, I've been a bit out of real life and of time, so I guess only now I realized: OH MY FUCKING GOD, WE'RE IN CHRISTMAS MONTH! For five, freaking five days already, where the hell have you been?!

So, yeah, I'm feeling like I've just woken up from this weird and painful dream to realize my life is just like it. Plus, there is grey clouds outside, and wet leaves on the ground giving a sad and dead air to the streets. Not even the Christmas lights can improve this vision I have of life around me, of my own life. I don't know, I wish I could do something, you know? Something useful, so I could STOP thinking how miserable my life is. Because it is not, and I know it! But, every now and then, I find myself wrapped up in negative thoughts in nostalgia, in uncertainty about the future, in dreams of what might have been, and I can not think straight about the good things I have now. Okey, the fact is that there are not that many, but... being alone is not helping at all. And I find really hard to meet new people in here. There are NO new people, for God's sake.

And I just find myself looking at the cellphone, or at the facebook, thinking that I really could just say hello and ask "How have you been doing?" because it wouldn't be just a big thing. I would just be asking, since I was the one who decided to push him away. But I never do, I just never do. And thanks God I don't. Cause I can't right? That's not supposed. He's fine, he's moved on, he's in College with friends, going out for dinner or for partying, and I'm here, thinking about him every single second and imagining how stupid I was for not having goals for my life last year, so now I'm reaping what I sowed, and I'm stuck in the high school and studying to have GREAT grades in the national exams so I can freaking go to med school, just like he did. And I don't want to be a doctor because he wants to be a doctor, for God's sake, that's not the reason. The thing is, I wish I could be doing something I really like, right now, in order to stop having so much free time to think about him.

I have to decorate the Christmas tree this week. I need some light in my life.