The Perks of being a Wallflower

"So, if this ends up to be the last letter, I want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started High School and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who’s gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Cause I know there are people who say all  this things don’t happen. There are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17, I know this will all be stories some day and that our pictures will become old photographs, we’ll all become somebody’s mom and dad. But right now, this moments are not stories. This is happening. I’m here and I’m looking at her, and she is so beautiful.

I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. You stand up and see the light on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder, and you’re listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

Loved it

Back To Lisbon

So, last week I went back to Lisbon just to visit my friends, to lighten up a little, to get out of here and breath new air, if you know what I mean.

I stayed there for three days, and they were great! Just what I needed. It cheered me up.

(I broke something in Marta's bed. And this is me, trying to fix it. I just had now idea how)

(At starbuks)

(At baixa Chiado)

And I came back on Wednesday. I started studying Biology yesterday. And today, I wanted to have started with chemistry. But I suddenly got extremely sick because of my period and I really though I was going to die, so I just lay down in my bed and took a nap. An then, saw a movie ("The vow" it was beautiful. I want someone like that :c )

Anyway, I'm getting better. About that subject. I mean, I cried yesterday night. But that's ok, because I haven't cried for a while, so I guess that's a progress. It gets worse at night, when It's only me, my thoughts and the dark of the room. The pain suddenly appears and the memories. But it hasn't happen with that much intensity, like it used to. So, as Joana Margarida said once, it really does get better: time heals everything. 

I just don't want to forget it all, I guess. That would make something stupid of what I'm feeling right now, like it has been a waste of time.

BUT, it's Christmas time! And I love Christmas. So, lets just be happy and wish all the best to each other and forget what makes us miserable.

Love you all!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Hello December

I know it's 5th of December and I'm acting like the month itself had just arrived, but the thing is, I've been a bit out of real life and of time, so I guess only now I realized: OH MY FUCKING GOD, WE'RE IN CHRISTMAS MONTH! For five, freaking five days already, where the hell have you been?!

So, yeah, I'm feeling like I've just woken up from this weird and painful dream to realize my life is just like it. Plus, there is grey clouds outside, and wet leaves on the ground giving a sad and dead air to the streets. Not even the Christmas lights can improve this vision I have of life around me, of my own life. I don't know, I wish I could do something, you know? Something useful, so I could STOP thinking how miserable my life is. Because it is not, and I know it! But, every now and then, I find myself wrapped up in negative thoughts in nostalgia, in uncertainty about the future, in dreams of what might have been, and I can not think straight about the good things I have now. Okey, the fact is that there are not that many, but... being alone is not helping at all. And I find really hard to meet new people in here. There are NO new people, for God's sake.

And I just find myself looking at the cellphone, or at the facebook, thinking that I really could just say hello and ask "How have you been doing?" because it wouldn't be just a big thing. I would just be asking, since I was the one who decided to push him away. But I never do, I just never do. And thanks God I don't. Cause I can't right? That's not supposed. He's fine, he's moved on, he's in College with friends, going out for dinner or for partying, and I'm here, thinking about him every single second and imagining how stupid I was for not having goals for my life last year, so now I'm reaping what I sowed, and I'm stuck in the high school and studying to have GREAT grades in the national exams so I can freaking go to med school, just like he did. And I don't want to be a doctor because he wants to be a doctor, for God's sake, that's not the reason. The thing is, I wish I could be doing something I really like, right now, in order to stop having so much free time to think about him.

I have to decorate the Christmas tree this week. I need some light in my life.

Grey's Anatomy - Today's Quote

"An event, big or small, is something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope, a new way of living and of looking at the world: letting go of old habits, old memories...

What's important, is we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that in the middle of the crap are a few things really worth holding on to."

College Summary

I went to college, in Lisbon, in September. I studied Biomedical Engineering. 

But I just got enlighten about three weeks ago. I suddenly knew I was not met for that career. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and I guess it helped in the decision. My mom is a doctor, and she always kept telling me how amazing I could be as a doctor, because I have passion, I have values, I like to help, I'm altruistic, and I could do much better than some of the people who shall wear these path just because they have nice grades actually do. 

So I decided to give up and to study really hard for the senior year's national exams again so I can apply for Med school. 

So I left the capital, the friends I made theretofore, Joana Margarida, my room (which I wanted to decorate so badly!)... To be here, in this place, lonely, with nothing to do and no one to be with, knowing that all of my friends are in College, and I'm still somehow stuck in the pass, in the senior year that's no longer my year... Feels like I don't belong here anymore.

I know, I know, I'm fighting for my future, for being in College studying something I like, instead of being miserable studying for mechanic and physics and all of that bullshit I was not born to like. 

It feels harsh anyway. Maybe is just the beginning.

I'm posting here some pictures of some moments in College, in Lisbon. Hope you like it.

(those are my friends. We met in the very first day. If it wasn't them, everything would have been a lot harder. So, it's me, Marta and Tatiana. Notice that there was LOTS of vodka and tequila)

(This is Henrique. He's in the 3th year and he's kind of an asshole and stuff. I though it was impossible to exist a smile coming from this creature's face, but it seems that tequila really DO some wonders)

(This is Tatiana and her College Godfather. He was very helpful when it came the time to take care of drunk people: Marta and Tatiana couldn't stop throwing vodka up. It was awful)

This was our Freshmen's Party night. It was... memorable xD

Back to Present

"Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, they just won't love you back in the same way..."

My heart aches. It is kinda bleeding and hurt and crashed. Let someone go so you can move on, and live the reality as it is, it's the worst feeling in the world. Because it is like to lose this dear person you love, lose her like if she'd died, and get this empty place in your heart where the feelings, and memories, and plans, and dreams used to be.  I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling heartbroken and lonely. I can't stop feeling I will never have someone who loves me back!

But the worst of it all, is feeling that I will never, ever ever, get to look into his eyes again in this deep, connected, chummy passionate way, or look to the cellphone every once in a while, excepting to see a message from him saying that he needs me, or that he misses me, or that I'm important to him. Because no one ever told me that so often. No one never told me he loved me. No one ever made feel so good and so bad at the same time. For the first time in my life, I lived, I felt and I was happy. But life sucks and can't wait to see us tearing apart, so as soon as gives us this PERFECT gift, steals us it so we go back to the mud puddle where we first started. That's what happens, I guess. You let people in and they destroy you.

He was my friend. And I loved him. But I just could pretend I didn't care this much because he kept on hurting me, unconsciously. 

It's time for me to heal this huge wound that has been bleeding for so long. 

I gotta be strong. I gotta stop think about the past. It hurts too much. 

Summer 5

We kept on going to Bruno's house, we spent there much time, actually. 

Our routine was simple: in the morning, me and Joana (the girl in the sixth photo) went to the beach and had lunch there. Sometimes we went to the drive lessons sometimes we didn't. Next, we went to the beach again or went to Bruno's house. Then we went back to drive lessons and the we went home. 

This "party" was after I finish working in the restaurant, I guess. Maybe late August or September.

I miss these Summer days. I really do. I had so much fun!

Summer 4

“For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head. So when your lips finally touch you can feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot, so deep, you never wanna come up for air. You can’t cheat in your first kiss, Nicole. Trust me, you don’t want to. Because when you find that right person, the first kiss is everything.” Alex, Grey’s Anatomy 

Yeah, I wish I could have heard this before. I certainly would have thought about it before jumping head. 

I was in love with somebody else. How could I let myself become "another one" just like the other girls.

If I could go back...

However, those were two great weeks after all. Pass can not be erased or changed. 

I guess I have to learn something from it.

Summer 3 (Best's 18th Birthday)

Okey, I just figured that as long as I only post small size pictures, Blogger will no longer bother me (:

I'll just have to control myself and only choose the most interesting and beautiful ones.

By this time, I was already working at Nautic Bar (Filipa's parents' restaurant/bar), which is located really close to the beach. I could watch the sun-set while I was behind the counter making some caipirinhas in sneakers and shorts. 

I really enjoy to work there at summer time. The only thing that I don't like, is that I can't watch the sun-set from the beach and I can't stand there until the stars show up and all of those things. Because I can even hang out with friends in the late nights of our town. I did that quite a lot this Summer, actually. I used to go the the disco until morning quite often. But my parents never knew I only got home by morning. The most amazing feeling ever: adrenaline. I felt that every single time I ran away to go to be with friends. I also felt guilty for being so irresponsible and for doing such things while my parents though I was safe in my room. But anyway, it is pass now. And I had such a great time. Those were the best moments that made this Summer the best of my life.

Summer 2 (I'm upset!)

I don't like this. Not even a bit! I mean, now I can't post pictures cause I've reached the limit... wtf is that? I don't think I can, you know, buy the 25Gb thing. 

This is stupid. I love post pictures in here! It's not like I have the biggest mass of readers in the world. I don't, I really don't. But I do this for me, mostly. For having this type of summary about my life, my teenage years... And now what? I'll just have to stop posting? I mean, I don't want to delete what I've written. And post only text it's so not what I created this blog for.

It's sad. Really sad. Bloody annoying.

I have this friend, whom I have talked to you about in the last post, who kept inviting us to his house. Those were such an amazing days. His swimming pool is awesome and the weather was great. 

I also started having driving lessons, so I spent a lot of time in the city with my friends, on the beach and stuff, cause I had lessons at 11h, 14h and at 19h. In the breaks, I was with friends. I had an amazing time, back then. This was in July. Cause in August I started working in this beach bar/restaurant, from six to midnight. And it was amazing as well. I got to know lots of new and different people! I'll show you some pictures in the next post. 

Hope you have a nice monday. Cause I'll sleep until midday <3 p="p">

Summer 1

Well, I want to share some of the best moments of my Summer with you. So, I'll show you some pictures of different occasions in different posts.

These are from Bruno's Brithday. We spent such a great time.