Hello December

I know it's 5th of December and I'm acting like the month itself had just arrived, but the thing is, I've been a bit out of real life and of time, so I guess only now I realized: OH MY FUCKING GOD, WE'RE IN CHRISTMAS MONTH! For five, freaking five days already, where the hell have you been?!

So, yeah, I'm feeling like I've just woken up from this weird and painful dream to realize my life is just like it. Plus, there is grey clouds outside, and wet leaves on the ground giving a sad and dead air to the streets. Not even the Christmas lights can improve this vision I have of life around me, of my own life. I don't know, I wish I could do something, you know? Something useful, so I could STOP thinking how miserable my life is. Because it is not, and I know it! But, every now and then, I find myself wrapped up in negative thoughts in nostalgia, in uncertainty about the future, in dreams of what might have been, and I can not think straight about the good things I have now. Okey, the fact is that there are not that many, but... being alone is not helping at all. And I find really hard to meet new people in here. There are NO new people, for God's sake.

And I just find myself looking at the cellphone, or at the facebook, thinking that I really could just say hello and ask "How have you been doing?" because it wouldn't be just a big thing. I would just be asking, since I was the one who decided to push him away. But I never do, I just never do. And thanks God I don't. Cause I can't right? That's not supposed. He's fine, he's moved on, he's in College with friends, going out for dinner or for partying, and I'm here, thinking about him every single second and imagining how stupid I was for not having goals for my life last year, so now I'm reaping what I sowed, and I'm stuck in the high school and studying to have GREAT grades in the national exams so I can freaking go to med school, just like he did. And I don't want to be a doctor because he wants to be a doctor, for God's sake, that's not the reason. The thing is, I wish I could be doing something I really like, right now, in order to stop having so much free time to think about him.

I have to decorate the Christmas tree this week. I need some light in my life.